Washington D.C., 8th August 2025 – In an absolutely stunning turn of events that no one saw coming (except for literally everyone), President Donald Trump’s tariffs have officially gone into effect today. Global markets are now attempting to process this information while simultaneously Googling, “What is a tariff and why am I paying $200 more for a toaster?”

The tariffs, which apply to nearly every major U.S. trading partner, are expected to drive up prices on everything from French croissants to Japanese anime figurines. Global citizens are now panicking that their favorite imported goods might be more expensive than their rent. I mean, if you were really looking to pay $400 for a pair of imported jeans, well, now you get to. Happy Tariff Day!

The World Reacts: ‘Wait, What Are We Even Paying For?’

Europeans, already struggling to understand why their baguettes can’t taste as good as the ones in Paris, are now dealing with the fact that their cheese is being taxed. “I don’t even know what this ‘tariff’ is,” said Pierre, a Parisian cheese maker who was last seen contemplating how to make a brie sandwich without bankrupting his family. “I just came here for some wine… now it’s like paying rent for a glass of Chardonnay. Merci beaucoup, Trump.”

It doesn’t end there, folks. In a shocking turn of events, French citizens have started a “Tariff-Relief Fund” where people can donate cheese to the impoverished American public. The current goal? “Make sure Americans can still afford a slice of pizza without selling their cars,” said Jean-Luc, who is now the proud owner of a “Save The Cheese” T-shirt and a small GoFundMe page that is somehow more popular than any U.S. political fundraiser.

Meanwhile, Japanese electronics companies are in full damage-control mode, posting new advertisements on Instagram for “Tariff-Proof Phones” that guarantee they’ll be “used at least three times before their battery dies,” just like the old ones.

“I’m just going to put ‘Made in USA’ stickers on all our products,” said an unnamed Sony employee. “Maybe they’ll think it’s an American-made knockoff and won’t charge them extra?”

Back home in South Korea, a popular internet meme titled “The Tariff Apocalypse” has gone viral. The meme features a picture of a Korean BBQ grill, but instead of sizzling meat, it’s just tariffs being “grilled” by the flames of global confusion.

America’s New Tariff-Free Snack: A 15% More Expensive Hot Dog

American consumers, once thriving in the golden age of budget-priced everything, are now faced with the terrifying reality that tariffs have made their beloved imports more expensive than their house payment. “I went to buy some Mexican tortillas yesterday, and the cashier asked for my firstborn child as payment,” said one confused shopper, clutching a $7 pack of tortillas. “I thought it was a joke. I’m genuinely considering eating my own shoes at this point.”

Meanwhile, in line at the Apple Store, Americans are now holding their new iPhones like they’re holding onto a family heirloom. “My phone now costs the price of a down payment on a car,” said one iPhone customer. “At least it has a better camera… that I can’t afford to use because I’m busy working two jobs to pay for this thing.”

In the U.S. Congress, there’s a new bill being discussed: “The Tariff Relief Fund,” which will provide tax relief to anyone who has ever accidentally paid $800 for a bottle of French wine. The bill’s subtitle? “Because the American Dream should not include French Champagne on your dime.”

Global Trade: What’s That Again?

As the tariff situation worsens, the World Trade Organization is currently in a closed-door meeting to figure out exactly what just happened. One WTO official was heard muttering, “We thought we understood tariffs, but apparently not. We need an entire book of rules, and even then, it’s just a guessing game.”

Meanwhile, the European Union is considering an alternative solution to the tariff issue. “What if we just start calling everything American-made?” said an EU spokesperson, sipping a “Tariff-Free” espresso. “Just put a label on everything that says ‘Made in Ohio’ and see if that works. They’re probably going to buy it anyway. Like, if it’s in a cool bottle, they’ll drink it. Same goes for cars.”

Conclusion: Welcome to the New World Order (of Paying More for Stuff)

As we sit here, staring down the barrel of a substantial price hike on everything from imported donuts to imported dance moves, we must face the reality: tariffs are here to stay. And by stay, we mean stay—like that uncle who refuses to leave your couch even though it’s already midnight.

But don’t worry, folks. We’re all in this together. Whether we’re paying an arm and a leg for imported anything, or just praying that our imported Amazon purchases come with a discount coupon, we will survive. After all, what’s a little price gouging compared to the joy of knowing that your extra $10 for a French pastry is actually helping “Make America Great Again”?

If nothing else, tariffs have united the world — in confusion, laughter, and the overwhelming urge to just buy American. Good luck out there, folks. It’s going to be a wild ride!